Pain and frustration
This picture was taken last night around 8:30 pm (Click to enlarge. Warning: popup.) You can try to describe how I look in this picture. No matter what you describe, I'm sure it won't include words like "happy" or "healthy". In fact, I am neither in this picture. I am miserable these days, and this morning I figured out more precisely why. I am 173.5 pounds. I am not been this light since high school; not even my last year, but maybe my second-to-last year. (By the way, does anyone reading this have any familiarity with OACs, or Grade 13? 80s and 90s young Ontario, represent!)
As I type this, I feel nauseous. I really feel in danger of vomiting. I am trying to eat two packets of Quaker Oats. It's good, a little too sweet, though. I've eaten half of it so far. It doesn't look as though it will get finished, as much as I want to finish it. I feel weak and a little dizzy. I really need to keep this food down, not just because I need the nutrients, but because puking is very very bad for someone with innards like mine.
This morning I woke up at 5 am with major back pain. You see, I cannot lie all the way down because the bile and stomach acid will travel to places where they shouldn't. I don't have a valve to prevent this anymore, you see. I need lots and lots of pillows propping me up. I can't lie on my sides, either, because I am still sore. I actually did try to lie all the way down, which resulted in severe, groaning pain for several long minutes. Bad idea jeans.
I am probably paying the price for pushing it. I should remember that it hasn't even been two weeks since leaving the hospital. I should not be going downtown for any reason. I should not be going shopping. I should walk three or four blocks a day and that's it. I didn't realize how much walking there was in taking the metro downtown. I have to walk a good ways to get to the metro, then walk to the metro level, then walk some more if I switch lines, then walk to the bus, then walk wherever I want to go. It's VERY tiring.
Part of my overdoing has to do with the office party I attended last Thursday to celebrate the end of our project. I am still paying for that. I will try to make a post about that soon. I had a lot of fun, but it killed me for a few days.
My ability to eat seems to be random. Actually, maybe not so much anymore. Since Thursday, when I "pigged out" and was fine, it's been hard to consume much without feeling very sick afterwards. All of this combines to make for a depressed and sickly person. To help with the depression, I am going to go to a retreat this weekend for members of the Young Adults Cancer Group. I've been wanting to meet with this group for a long time now, but DVTs and work always got in the way. I really need to connect with people with similar experiences; it will help for those periods where I really feel down. I just hope that I can get enough rest beforehand.
So that's it for now. I wish I had something else to talk about other than pain and frustration.