The One Big Love
Liz had this to say to me once:
| Everyone likes to hear I love you. It's not a statement of commitment. It should be a statement of fact. Regardless of the hurdles one may have to face in a relationship, love does not conquer all (or much of anything). Love should be shared freely and without pressure. Love means to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness. It says nothing of what may be. Just what is. |
I think that there is much that can be said here. First, I think she touches on something that I have noticed in almost all of us, women perhaps more than men (but I'm really not sure about this). There is a need to find The One Big Love. And if you don't find it (especially by a certain age) then there is something definitely wrong with you, deficient in you. This One Big Love is supposed to solve all your problems, make everything right in the world and massage your feet after a long day. This One Big Love is the be-all and end-all of relationships. You can die happy now that you've found The One Big Love. If I knew how to make the trademark symbol here, I'd make it after The One Big Love, henceforth to be known as TOBL.
Many of you think you have found TOBL, and if that's what you think, that's what I think. I believe, though, that we spend way too much time obsessing over TOBL. Why is TOBL even required for everyone? You might think, "Of course it isn't required, that's silly. We should just live our lives." But it doesn't happen that way, and very often we criticize or think less of those who don't have TOBL or aren't pursuing TOBL.
There are many ways to have and find love, and TOBL is only one of them. TOBL doesn't work for everyone. Love can be fleeting, or it can endure. It can be that searing flame, or the lasting embers. Love is easy, and it's hard. It can involve one person, no people, or many. So just because someone doesn't identify someone as TOBL, it doesn't mean that there isn't real love there.
TOBL is a derivative, or child of the notion of the Hero. As a culture we are obsessed with heroes, whether it be in war, politics or love. We love stories of how one person changed everything in his life, or other's lives. These things happen, and heroes really do exist, and they are inspiring. But there's a downside. It's why we rarely do anything collectively without leaders, or heroes. It's why things never, EVER change, regardless of whatever tyranny is there, unless heroes emerge. It's been said many times that we rarely think for ourselves. Is this true when it comes to love? Are we all looking for heroes, rather than finding love for ourselves?
Love can transform your life, but it needn't be a clap of thunder type of deal. It can be gradual. Like I said, it can take on so many forms. Why not an autodidactic approach to love? What are we afraid of?
If you think that love means commitment and/or vice-versa, I think that you've bought into the Hero/TOBL thing far too much.