Taking stock

By Alston on August 5, 2004 11:38 AM | | Comments (4)
Looks as though it might be time for a personality change.

I've been thinking that maybe I have to be more sensitive and such. I have maintained that someone that doesn't like the way I express myself, look or whatever, can kindly go to hell. I don't care what people think of me. The ones I care about get the truth from me, because if I don't give them that truth, then I am derelict in my duties as a friend. And what good am I then?

I am told that when candid remarks are unasked for, it's considered rude. Part of having friends is that I can express myself the way I want to, and that candid remarks are never meant maliciously (I hope and trust that friends know this, and that I can sometimes issue a bit of friendly fire or shrapnel with my verbal shotgun), but it the sentence about candid remarks is true, then I am no use to anyone. So I will have to hold back somewhat. But it feels as though I will have to say nothing or nod my head until specifically asked an opinion, and that seems wrong for me and for others. It's risky, but if I have something to add, another relevant perspective to offer, then isn't that valuable? I don't want to be a yes-man. Besides, if the person rambles on and gets nowhere, perhaps a word or two can help them get somewhere, or else the whole thing—"talking it out"—is fruitless.

Is being friendly required in order to be a friend? I don't think that being a friend is the same as being friendly. Being friendly is means being neutral, nice and pleasant, possibly at the cost of being helpful or expressive. If a person doesn't mean that much to you personally, then the cost is negligible. Once I determine that I am friends with someone, I tend to act less friendly and more as a friend. Part of this involves being able to relax and say what's on my mind, crack jokes or what have you. Friendliness can very well come at a cost at that point. Maybe I shouldn't be so cheap in paying it.

I'm not sure how I feel. Ineffective, counterproductive. Maybe harmful more often than I thought. Maybe I cause more bad feelings than I need to. Maybe I am so insensitive that I can’t even sense any harm that I do, but I guess I didn't need to say it twice. Or maybe I am selfish. I don’t know. But it seems that "watching it" constantly around people is so much effort that being more solitary seems to be more attractive. But I am sure it is a phase. Maybe it'll go away if I ignore it.

But that doesn't sound very responsible, either.

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4 Comments

Elizabeth said:

A rule of thumb in etiquette states that if a person can do something immediately about the problem, you should bring it to their attention. Run in stockings? Tell them. Spelling mistake on wedding invitations? Don't tell them.

Maybe people are hurt or offended or what-have-you because they know what they are supposed to do, but they aren't able to do it yet. Sometimes people need a Kleenex, not a lesson in wiping away tears.

August 5, 2004 1:14 PM
JonasParker said:

Maybe so. Maybe I am having a bit of emotional fatigue at the moment, and I wish that certain people could stop hurting themselves, so they get the tear-prevention help rather than the tear-cleanup.

Strangely enough, though, I'm not actually sad, just...I don't know.

August 5, 2004 1:38 PM
La said:

Are you a Sagittarius by any chance? You sound exactly like me! I tend to "tell it like it is" and "call a spade a spade". As a result of "feedback" from people that maybe I needed to keep my mouth shut, I started to do just that. But then I learned something else: where I might use silence as a way of not expressing an opinion where one hasn't been asked for, others interpreted it as disapproval. It's a really tough balance, and it doesn't have to be "either-or". Learn to strike a balance between the two - being frank and honest, and learning to keep your mouth shut. It's tough, but it can be done.

August 5, 2004 3:09 PM
V. said:

Oddly enough, I heard a piece on the radio regarding friendship just the other day. Walter Mosley did a piece regarding how his father told him that he would be lucky to have 5 or less true friends. Give it a listen - it may be insightful. Lessons from Losing Friends

I wish I could offer something more constructive. I've found that the friends that I am the closest to tend to be the ones that can take the truth on any level and don't freak out. (Of course I have stories...) They are the ones who care about what I think (even if they don't agree) and truly care about me. (And it goes vice-versa with me for them.)

One does what feels *right* for them. If you hate something about yourself - and by that I mean really, truly hate that aspect - then change it. If you feel like others are being judgemental for silly reasons, then let it roll off your shoulder. Or you could do as La says, and try to find the balance.

Anyhow, listen to the piece - I think you'd like it. Take care.

August 5, 2004 7:39 PM

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