I know that I've bitched and whined about work many times. This time it's a bit more serious.

I'm in sales, and being in sales means that you perform or die. The 2005 numbers are in, and my performance was worse than I thought it was. Q4 was just rotten. I could blame a number of in-work reasons, but the number one reason is that I don't want to do the job anymore. It's that simple. I can't stand to be in sales any longer, even if I am on a pretty good team, more or less. This will be my eighth year in the business. It's never been something I wanted to do. I've been trying to figure out exactly what it was I do want, and I am recently come up with something. But getting there is a completely different thing. There are actually two streams, although I am more than willing to entertain other possibilities.

The first is to become trained as a project manager. There happens to be a master's program offered locally that also gives you PMI certification at the same time. That's VERY strong. The problem is that I fucked around a lot in university and my marks are shit. Further, my work experience doesn't exactly help my situation; they want project managers to train as project managers. Very helpful.

The other main option is to do a program in interactive media at the Institut National Image et Son. The major video game makers, both locally and elsewhere, are apaprently VERY interested in graduates from the program. I went to an information session last month and enjoyed the work very much. If I could be a project manager there, or a producer or even a designer, that would pretty much change my life forever for the best. I would be very hopeful for the holy grail of a meaningful career. The problem is that erven though my chances of getting in are much better than for the master's, I can't pay for it. I would have to quit my job and then look for one upon graduation.

I had a brief discussion with my boss Rick about my situation. He knows that I am not all there. He offered me another position within the company, but I don't think that I really want it. I'll take it if I have to, but I can't see that doing me any good mentally in the long run. I was also going to apply for other positions within the company, but personality conflict would surely rule out anything good happening there even if I were miraculously hired.

So there I am. This isn't just winter blues. This just sucks.