A disappointment
It has been a long time since posting here. There are probably some good reasons for that, yes, but I cannot really find those right now. Since posting here, though, I have found work and then lost it seven weeks later. It was a job doing what I used to do five years ago, something which, as of last October, I knew I was no longer capable of doing. More on that some other time.
Rose and I had a conversation just now, and with her permission I am posting part of it here. I am not looking to throw a pity party. Things aren't actually as bad as they seem, but that is not the point. Perhaps you will better understand my present state of mind.
Let me tell you something: I am a disappointment. Let me start with the less personal things. Firstly, my professional career is shit. Sure, I have been in a domain and have learned some things, but in the end, is it worth anything? Not yet, and I have no real reason to believe it will unless I can convincingly transform myself. I have no real reason to think this other than hope. I've said it before: If I have no hope, then I have nothing. Nothing at all. And no one can change that or help me except me if I have no hope, and even then, that isn't saying much.Finances? I am so far in the hole that I can barely see the sun. If I didn't have a creditor-avoidance superpower, I wouldn't be here today. And that superpower is diminishing.
I have a month with no income whatsoever. The EI, if I get the rest of it, will not last through the end of the year. I need a job. This is why I considered working at Indigo. INDIGO. That's what my certifications, bachelor's degree and other training has me facing.
When I was 8 I thought that I would have an eight-figure income (because nine would be arrogant). I will probably never have six. In five days I will be 32, and what the fuck do I have to show for it?
Personally? Within a relationship I am terrible. Why? I am not sure, really. The last couple of days are different, so we should exclude those. But generally speaking, I am what you said: a great friend, but a lousy boyfriend. My energies are not suited to taking care of one person all the time, especially when I don't really have the means. And I am not just talking about money.
I was always useful emotionally to other people when they be friends, girlfriends or whatever. But now? I can't express myself. We have different thinking/expression styles. Furthermore, the help you need, or needed until a few days ago, is help I can't really give on a practical level. And on an emotional one? Maybe I am just worthless. It's not that I don't feel. It's that I "feel" differently. In a way in which you cannot relate. I am emotionally pragmatic, you might say, which is unacceptable to you. Maybe I am protecting myself, I don't know. And I don't know how to change something like that.
The result is that I am a disappointment.
Friendships? I can't be there for my friends that way I used to be. I am simply not there. You might think that I am, but I am not. I haven't spoken to Suj in about a month. Krystal? Not really. I don't know what is happening in her life other than that she had a date last week. Sébastien? No idea. Chris Jones? Again, no clue. I am not there for them, and I can't ask them to be there for me.
My family? I try to do what I can, but I am here and they are 2 hours away. And shit just keeps happening. Ciaran (my brother in law) said to me almost 20 years ago that I am the only one that can really make a difference in this family. Back then I neither believed nor understood. I still don't understand, but I believe. And in the end? My mother is still hating her situation in life. My sister is still an arrogant ingrate. My brother's children are going nowhere fast. And there is only so much I can do there. Even if I am doing what I can, I still FEEL impotent, and it bothers me more than I let on.
So I am a complete disappointment. And there you are. You have just entered your chosen profession. You think that you have found your place, or will find it soon enough. You have friends. You are not the disappointment you might think you are.
And a bit later:
Hm. I just had a call. I have an interview Monday.Rose
An interview for what job?JonasParker
It's with an agency that I found through Emploi Quebec. The job is for project coordinator.Rose
That is great!JonasParker
It's at 1:30.Rose
What kind of project?Rose
I can't remember. I would have to look it up.Rose
Well, that is good, no?JonasParker
Remember yesterday (or was it this morning?)when I said that if I found my dream job, I would still feel crappy and listless?Rose
Yeah.
I know that feeling.JonasParker
I am depressed. I shitty inside and out.
And I think I know about about depression to realize that it probably actually is the real thing, and not just feeling down. It's only been a couple of days, but still. When nothing gives you pleasure, there's a problem. However, there are good things on the horizon. More next entry.
I hope to be back, but you know, I am not known for my skills in commitment...